Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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