put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
