wrigley field is MILF paradise
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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