i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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