I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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