Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
