I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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