Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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