2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
