george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
