yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Randomize
