well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
