This is not my ceiling
i wish my penis had a tongue
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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