It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize