saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
