Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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