operation harelip BJ is a go
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
