i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
