She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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