i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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