Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
