i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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