So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
True strength comes from lack of pants
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
