there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize