There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
