He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
