i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
