a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
