You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
