Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
