yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
