What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize