i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
