she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
