I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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