Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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