thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i dont even know how to be here
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
