i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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