"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
