I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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