Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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