What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
