So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I will pee on everything he values.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
