Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
