3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
