I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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