I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
