My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
