im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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