I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
