Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
