I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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