how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
