i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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