I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
