So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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