I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Less talking, more tequila
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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