Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
