Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
